I have never met a person who did not need to do some brain and emotional work in their relationship. We all do in order to create a marriage that is thriving. Especially when we have no control over the other person and how they decide to show up.
When I coach my clients, nothing matters if they don't do the work. If they don't manage their minds, they struggle to sustain actions. They lose commitment.
Like anything worth anything, marriage is built on a heap of disappointments and wins. For this reason, many people aren't good at building relationships. Their tolerance for discomfort and failure is low.
To succeed, we must be willing to fall and get back up. We have to change what we are making failure and disappointment mean.
As you step outside of your comfort zone and try a new approach, expect that it might not go as you planned. When you try some of the things I am teaching you, you may feel frustrated and even angry. Plan on that discomfort.
Your ability to get past your disappointments will determine your growth. Wins come at the same speed you keep taking action despite failure.
When I see someone who struggles over and over again in their relationship, without exception it is because they quit taking the new and next action. They made disappointment mean defeat and they quit trying.
A Happy Marriage is yours. Own it. Just keep believing. Stay committed. Take action.
Its hard to talk about a marriage and not get into emotions.
Your emotion creates your interactions with another person.
Your emotions are created by your thoughts.
At times we become emotionally flooded and lose access to our smart brains, reacting to our man in a fight, flight or freeze fashion.
Other times we feel vulnerable when we turn toward and he rejects our bid to connect.
We might feel sad when we look at what we really think about our marriage.
The opposite of feeling is buffering.
Buffering is actions we take to avoid our feelings. We think buffering helps, but because it relies on external and false pleasure to make us happy, it really only seduces us.
After buffering we are left to still deal with our feelings. These emotions are more compounded since we stuffed them down.
Yesterday we talked about the benefits of giving up buffering. There are so many!
And yet a big reason most of us want to hold onto the habit of buffering is because we are not only afraid of FEELING, we are terrified of FAILING.
I bet some of you are asking, "What if I try to quit buffering and fail?" " What if I don't know how to feel my feelings and I am overcome by them?"
Failure might look like this:
I decide to turn off the TV but my husband does not interact with me, so I buffer with facebook.
I feel restricted by saying I will feel my feelings and not eat, and so I eat the whole pan of brownies.
I get off my phone but the loneliness is so uncomfortable, I go on a netflix binge.
I limit my working hours to 40 but the overwhelm at home is so much I polish off a bottle of wine.
We justify buffering so as not to experience failing.
Failure is only painful because of what we make it mean.
Think about it. Is failure that big of a deal?
Failure is missing the mark. It is falling short of the expectations we had in our head.
That is it.
So why does that have to mean something awful?
What if it just meant we were growing? We were expanding into uncharted territory? We were trying to be better?
What if failure was normal? Expected. Part of it.
When we are afraid of failing, we fail in advance. We don't try. We stay in apathy. That is a whole different type of failure that does not come from a place of growth. I am not recommending that type of failure.
Failing because you are trying is not a big deal.
I remember when my daughter was learning to ride her bike (and tie her shoes). Both cases of learning were dramatic.
She thought she would never get it. (Insert The Count from Seasame Street head banging because of his failure.)
I knew she would.
She didn't want to get back up.
I knew it wasn't a big deal. The falling was part of it.
The big deal was if she would keep trying. The big deal was if she would be willing to fail again.
It took a while for her to learn. She expected to know how to ride quickly.
She didn't think learning took practice.
I knew it did.
I didn't expect her to ride like her 9 year old brother.
She expected that.
It seems easy to me, yet, I do the same thing when I set out to learn something new. I make it hard.
Learning takes practice. Failing and falling is normal. Its required.
Are you willing to learn to live life, feeling all the feels, eliminating the buffering and creating an authentic way of living that does not depend on false pleasure?
I hope you are! It is life well worth it. I hope you are willing to fail to get there.
If you want to learn how to experience your feelings, quit buffering and really love your life, I can help you. I work with people who are ready to create change and want support getting there. Schedule your free mini session today.
Where we are in life proves what we are thinking. When we change our perspective, we can change our lives and our relationships.